DYNAMO: January 2012

1.31.2012

How could I have not seen it?

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night missing my daddy so much. He's in my dreams every night. Always in my thoughts. I got the idea for this page in my head and could not go back to sleep until I had made it. Working on it, thinking of my dad, listening to some songs that remind me of him it suddenly hit me. The past two months make total sense.

When I talk to people about going to Las Vegas back in November all I ever talk about is what I saw, what I did, what I took photographs of. What I don't talk about is the breakdown I had at the wedding. It affected me so seriously that I could not even hardly stay till the inner was finished and I had to leave and go back to the hotel room to bed. During the ceremony all I could think about was how it was my dad who should have been at Bruce's wedding not me. This trip was supposed to be for mom and dad. It was supposed to be dad who got to see Bruce get married. They were so close he and Bruce. And dad never made it to see that wedding take place. I felt like I didn't belong there that it wasn't supposed to be me. I missed dad so much and I was so sad. I just started crying and could not stop for quite some time. I had to go hide in the bathroom so I wouldn't upset mom or anybody else. And I cried and I cried. Big huge tears pouring down my face. I would have given anything to not take that trip and have had my dad make it long enough to go to be there himself. I was so mad that he was gone. Mad that we had lost him so fast. So painfully.

I came home from Vegas and took 10 steps backwards. The depression got worse. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to open the curtains, get dressed or go outside. I've just locked myself up in this shell hiding from the world, feeling pain so deep within my heart. Just going through the motions each dad just trying to get through the day. I have not been myself at all.

I never connected the two being related - how I have been for the last two months in relation to what happened at the wedding. How could I have not seen it? How could I have not realized they were connected.

Everyone keeps telling me that things will get easier with time. I don't see that happening. As time goes by I am feeling more and more pain. It's as if a piece of my heart has been ripped apart and there is this huge gaping hole there now. Life will never be the same ever again.

1.29.2012

Actually felt like scrapbooking today ...

1.28.2012

Soar Art Journal Week 4

1.27.2012

Team Up with Kyla

Teamed up with the lovely & Talented Kyla from The Kreative Life this week. our theme for our shots this week was the color red. The photo on the left is my take on the color red and the photo on the right is Kyla's take.

Soar Art Journal

Friday Fill-Ins

And...here we go!

1. It's time to make some big changes.
2. Have fun ... and don't forget the rules_____! (what i plan on saying to the kids when I drop them off tonight)
3. I'm trying to get back on track.
4. "mock chicken", that was the last funny comment I received.
5. Please send energy & motivation.
6. I'm trying to be a better person cause I'm in it for the long haul.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to some time with the girls before they go out, tomorrow my plans include doing whatever I feel like all day long and Sunday, I want to spend time creating. Pin It Now!

1.22.2012

Snapshots Album {December 2011 pages}

1.18.2012

Strong Enough

This song is really speaking to me right now.

You must, You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us

Well maybe, maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
‘Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom
That’s when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough

‘Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing
You are God
And You are strong when I am weak
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be strong enough
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough, strong enough
Oh yeah

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough, strong enough

Finding God

About 5 years ago I made a choice. A choice that was wrong and I knew it. Afterwards I felt like I wasn't good enough for God to be in my life. I felt as if I had let Him down and I walked away from my church. I walked a way from a life I had built for myself based on faith and the support of fellow Christians. I walked away from a life I loved. And never looked back over all these years. God was just not the focus of my life anymore. I felt empty.

Slowly, over these past few weeks I am finding God everywhere. In my thoughts, in the choices of music I listen to, even in the new art journal project I am working on called Soar. I am finding HIM everywhere. Constant reminders that God wants me back. He wants me to led my life for Him and to discover what it is He has in store for me.

I am just in awe. That suddenly it's as if a switch has turned on and there is a chance for light in my life. I just need to surrender to His will. I need to stop putting myself and my needs and desires first. I need to make the Lord the first priority. I am slowly finding my way back and am encouraged more and more each day as He is becoming more important again.

Dreams really can come true. If that's what God has chosen for your life they really can come true.

I feel so blessed right now. So open to change. So willing to surrender.

1.14.2012

My Favorite Things Saturday

One of my favorite things is Ferrero Rocher chocolates. Love them.

Straight Out Of the Camera Saturday (SOOC)

1.11.2012

Wordless Wednesday

1.09.2012

{weekly intention}

According to Andrea from the Creative Magic Academy:

'Hello Monday Morning! A fresh week. A fresh start. Everything is wide open. Everything is possible.

Before you jump right into your week, take a few minutes to choose where you want to focus your energy this week, to think about what direction you want to be moving in.

Setting a weekly intention is taking some time to pave the way for success, joy and dreams come true to find you throughout the week.

This is not about setting goals or creating to-do lists and working your tail off to achieve them. This is about taking some time to be quiet and still and ask “What do I need this week?” and setting an intention from there to align yourself with that.

Then the real work is to remember your intention and align with it throughout the week.'
My intention this week is to focus on positive change. To keep positive in all situations. To re-establish daily routines the kids & I have let slide on holidays. Pin It Now!

Mental Health Monday

Ever since I came back from Vegas I have been in a slump. Depressed beyond belief. Un-motivated, lazy, hiding in the house again. I hate it when I get like this. Last night I was listening to a song that reminds me of my dad and I just burst into tears over how much I am missing him. then it all fit - I've been so down like this since the day of the wedding in Vegas. I cried so hard that day that my Dad hadn't made it long enough to be able to go to Bruce's wedding. I was so upset after the wedding that I left as soon as the dinner was over. I have not been the same since. I think with that happening and then missing him so much over the holidays I am just not functioning at my full level.

It scares me when I get like this because I become someone I don't like very much. I have so many plans, so much I want to do and to be, and when I get like this it feels as if none of that is possible. I will be forcing myself to start some new changes this week. Don't feel like doing any of them, but I am going to do them anyway. I have to break out of feeling this way. this has to change.

Source: thisisnthappiness.com via Sandra on Pinterest

Link up to the Monday Madness Blog Hop

on the Words In Sync Blog

Bloggers sharing Mental Health Information

My Best Shot Monday

1.08.2012

Beautiful Sunday

1.06.2012

Friday Fill-Ins

Friday Fill-Ins Blog

And...here we go!

1. Discussions can be so fun when I am just relaxing with the girls.
2. hello & goodbye.
3. I think it's time to finally get real about loosing weight and being healthier.
4. AJ & Emily puts a smile on my face.
5. Maybe sometime with a lot of growth & change I can become the person I really want to be.
6. God gives me strength.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to having an awesome Friday night with the girls, tomorrow my plans include starting to clean the house & put down Christmas stuff and Sunday, I want to relax and enjoy the girl's last day of holidays!
Pin It Now!

Thoughtful Friday

1.05.2012

Thursday Thirteen : Vegas

13 Of My Favorite Photos from Vegas

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