How could I have not seen it?

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night missing my daddy so much. He's in my dreams every night. Always in my thoughts. I got the idea for this page in my head and could not go back to sleep until I had made it. Working on it, thinking of my dad, listening to some songs that remind me of him it suddenly hit me. The past two months make total sense.

When I talk to people about going to Las Vegas back in November all I ever talk about is what I saw, what I did, what I took photographs of. What I don't talk about is the breakdown I had at the wedding. It affected me so seriously that I could not even hardly stay till the inner was finished and I had to leave and go back to the hotel room to bed. During the ceremony all I could think about was how it was my dad who should have been at Bruce's wedding not me. This trip was supposed to be for mom and dad. It was supposed to be dad who got to see Bruce get married. They were so close he and Bruce. And dad never made it to see that wedding take place. I felt like I didn't belong there that it wasn't supposed to be me. I missed dad so much and I was so sad. I just started crying and could not stop for quite some time. I had to go hide in the bathroom so I wouldn't upset mom or anybody else. And I cried and I cried. Big huge tears pouring down my face. I would have given anything to not take that trip and have had my dad make it long enough to go to be there himself. I was so mad that he was gone. Mad that we had lost him so fast. So painfully.

I came home from Vegas and took 10 steps backwards. The depression got worse. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to open the curtains, get dressed or go outside. I've just locked myself up in this shell hiding from the world, feeling pain so deep within my heart. Just going through the motions each dad just trying to get through the day. I have not been myself at all.

I never connected the two being related - how I have been for the last two months in relation to what happened at the wedding. How could I have not seen it? How could I have not realized they were connected.

Everyone keeps telling me that things will get easier with time. I don't see that happening. As time goes by I am feeling more and more pain. It's as if a piece of my heart has been ripped apart and there is this huge gaping hole there now. Life will never be the same ever again.

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